"I saw what I saw"
By: Sara Groves

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I am made of
And what I know of love

We've done what we've done and we can't erase it
We are what we are and it's more than enough
We have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

No words can ever describe the experience I had in South Africa. No words can ever paint the picture I saw of poverty, disease, and loneliness. The piles of trash that were ever growing, the glass that lined all of the "streets" in the township, the absurd amounts of taverns, the women that lived with abusive boyfriends, the children that couldn't go to school because their parents had no money for the school fees yet alone the uniforms. It's not fair. It's not right. Children prostitute themselves to provide money for their siblings that they end up raising because their parents are dying or have already died of AIDS. Husbands drown themselves in liquor to take the sting of poverty and sin away, ultimately diving more into both issues. Wives stay with husbands that have no concern for them or their children because that is all they have ever known. Abuse is everywhere: parents beating their children, husbands beating their wives. You can see the despair on so many faces. It's not fair. It's not right.
I could go on and on about the depressing sites you will see once entering the township but that's not where the story ends. God is redeeming each and every one of these situations. God is using His people around the world to bring hope. We can all learn from these situations. We can learn about hopes and dreams and courage. We can learn about Christ love and grace that is more than enough. We can learn about the body of Christ as we see it in action bringing hope and healing to His hurting people. These stories, these situations, these friends are more than just a memory in my heart and mind. They are what stir me on toward Christ. They are the reminder that though I am weak and only one, I can make a difference by sharing the love of Christ. They are who inspire me to never give up and to never stop hoping. These aren't just stories or situations, these are my friends. These are those who have captured my heart and changed it forever. Their pain has changed me, their dream inspires, their face a memory, their hope a fire, their courage asks me what I am made of and what I know of love.

Amber- Amber is so full of wisdom. I don't even know if she realizes it but the Lord has anointed her to speak His word. Amber is bubbly and energetic. Her joy and laugh are contagious. She oversaw our ministries and checked in on us regularly to see what needed to be improved. She was constantly encouraging us to love more and pray more. God gave her the words to push us forward when we needed it most.

Andrea- Andrea is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She seems quiet at first, but don't be fooled: she has some spunk in her! Andrea was my bunkmate and was always dropping things behind my bed. It's funny how you miss that when you have your own room. We always seemed to be on the same page: especially with sleep schedules. It was great, first to go to bed and last to wake up. Andrea had a knack for hearing from the Lord. I struggle to be quiet before God and really hear from Him but she set a great example. Her heart is shaped for service and love and it's beautiful.

Ellen: Ellen is full of faith. She knows God has big plans for her life and she is running after them. She has shown me the example of unwavering faith I needed to see. Sarah Buller was one of Ellen's best friends from home and despite this loss Ellen continued to praise God and push forward without hesitation. I love that about her. She is a great listener and just a lot of fun to be around. I have a truly amazing friend in her and I couldn't be more grateful that God placed her in my life. I'm excited to see the journey God continues to take her on within Africa.

Alexis: Oh Alexis! Alexis has one of the most amazing laughs, ever. You can't help but smile when you're around her. She has the most outgoing personality and makes everyone feel comfortable, that is until she really gets to know you and puts you in uncomfortable positions just for fun. Alexis was in the same classroom with me at Ithemba so we worked together for Bible Study all second semester. Her heart to teach the kids about God was so encouraging. She loved them with everything that she had. We started praying that God would show up in those times and really give the kids a hunger for Him and He did. It was an amazing experience to share together and I couldn't have picked a better partner.

Faith: Faith was given her name for a reason. She believes in the things most don't see and see's them because of her faith. She and I worked together with the youth at Deo Doxa and it was a great time of fellowship. She was always stepping up to the plate to help in whatever way possible: from leading games to leading small group discussions. Her faith encouraged me to pray prayers expectantly and really give God the chance to show up in ways I wouldn't let Him before.

Ashley: Ashley is one of the most real people I know. She has a huge heart for those that are hurting and you could see it in all of her actions. Ashley was a constant encouragement to me, always reminding me to lay all of my burdens at the foot of the cross. Her and I got to work together and Ithemba first semester and do house visits together second semester. Both of those ministries contain sweet memories of times together. Ashley was always bold and willing to speak about her life and the ways God has changed her. She never held back her past or present heart aches if it would help someone else out. This was a huge encouragement to me to be more open with my story and allow God to use it to bring Him glory. It was sweet to see Him do that through her.

Brittany- B is nothing short of amazing. She was the one to always keep us laughing. As humorous as B always was, she had a heart that was broken for those around her. Brittany took the burden of others pain upon herself; she carried that burden with you. Her heart for the Lord is contagious. She is so joyful in serving and can make anything and everything a fun task. I love the times just laying in her bed laughing (especially after she threw me out unknowingly) or staying up late talking about life. She is going to be an amazing leader. She is an amazing leader.

Samantha- Sama is my hero, especially with her amazing ninja skills. Really though, Sama has an amazing amount of patience and love for children that I desire to have more of. She would have 20+ kids in her class that would be crazy loud that required a lot of attention and energy yet at the end of class she would clean the entire classroom. She too has an amazing servant heart. She sees those that most overlook and pours her time and energy into loving them and showing them that they are special to Christ and special to her. She loves with all that she has and it leaves people changed. Sama is my sister. She always told me how much I reminded her of her sister so I became her sister during the trip.

Brianna: Sweet Bri. Bri was one of my best friends from first semester so I was ecstatic about living with her second semester. Bri always encouraged me whether it was through notes, words, or just time together. She is truly one of the people who impacted my life the most during this year. She was a great friend that was always willing to listen, or run away and get an avalanche with me, especially when I needed it most. She, like I, was learning a lot about letting others and God love you but she never had a problem loving others. She loved people like her life depended on it, doing anything and everything to bring joy and encouragement. Christ shined brightly through her as she daily served us in many different ways. Bri is a great friend and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Sydney- Syd encompasses the essence of love. She's got it figured out. She is sweet-spirited but has a fire deep inside her bones. Her heart screams out against the injustice and her actions follow close behind. She is genuine in both word and deed. Sydney is an amazing listener and always asks the questions that point you back to Christ. Her thinking would be considered unconventional by most but I think that's because she takes God at His word. She doesn't water down the truth. She calls it what it is and lives accordingly. I admire that about her. God uses her to speak His love and truth over everyone that she meets. She too is a great leader and has so much to offer those willing to sit and listen.

I have been meaning to do this for quite some time now but I always manage to put it off. I reflect over the past year often, that isn't the problem. The problem is putting eight months that were full of spiritual warfare, highs and lows, heartache and ultimate joy, death and everlasting life, community and personal growth into words is nearly impossible. The eight months I spent in Africa were some of the most difficult yet most impactful months of my life. I struggled at times and at times I never wanted to leave. It was a long journey but one well worth taking. I'm going to try to paint a better picture of my time in Africa for you so that you can see and glorify God for the work He has done and is doing.

Dan Rather said it well, "If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all." If I had known the trials that were to come when I set off for Africa, I can almost promise you I would not have gotten on that plane. I couldn't be more grateful that I did though...

The first two months were extremely difficult for me. I struggled to find my place on a team of 41 students and 14 leaders. I battled with culture shock. I was uncertain of my decision in leaving the life I knew. God was molding me more and more into His daughter, but it was a difficult and often painful process. I was learning about the identity I had claimed for years but never really understood. I was learning about my formulaic life and the areas where I had completely missed the whole point. There were days I had no idea what I was doing being in South Africa, but looking back I know God knew and was preparing me for His purpose. There were some dark days as I tried to work through all of these things, but those dark days ultimately made His light shine brighter. It took me seeing, and feeling, the lies and hurt of a broken identity to see, and feel, the beauty of truly being His beloved daughter. It took me seeing, and feeling, the loneliness to see, and feel, the loving embrace of community. It took me seeing, and feeling, the differences in the culture to see, and feel, the bond of Christ's love that overcomes all barriers. The first few months were a time of great growth and realization. There were many times I wondered if it was worth it but I can say with confidence that every bit of pain and every tear that came during those months were beyond worth it. I have been able to see myself more as God sees me and in that I have been able to see others more as God sees them. I have learned what His love looks likes through my leaders and teammates that never stopped pouring into me during those difficult times. They continually spoke Christ's love and truth into my life and as a result, I have been changed.

The difficulties didn't end after the first few months. However, I was a new creation with a new strength and confidence to deal with the trials to come. The next five months will forever be etched into my heart...

 I lived in a house with nine other teammates and two leaders. They showed me Christ's love in daily, tangible ways. They showed me the Church at its finest form. They became far more than teammates and friends, they became my family. This family, this Church, forever changed my life. Sure, we fought at times and got on each other's nerves. However, those times don't come up when I think about our community. Instead, I think of the family fast we did or the nights of worship in the back room. I remember the countless times we would make cookie dough and sit in the living room eating it out of the bowl, never letting it make its way to the oven. I remember the nights sitting around the small table playing cards. I remember the days filled with sweet memories of ministry. I remember the times we spent in prayer together. I remember our Tuesday/Thursday lunches at the beach. I remember their names and their hearts like we were just together. I could go on forever but I will share more about them on the next blog. They are so important to this journey because they were what kept me going and what continued to challenge me. 

The aspect that changed my heart the most during the last five months of the trip was the ministry. How do you define ministry? Well, in Africa you define ministry as love. Sometimes you have nothing else to offer but love. I don't want to downplay that though because that is the need. The need is love. The need is Christ and Christ is love. Just as I needed to hear it, see it, and feel it the first semester of the trip I needed to give it out unconditionally for others to hear it, see it, and feel it the second semester. I couldn't give what I didn't clearly know. Sure I knew love before this trip but by no means is it in the way I know it now. God gave me those first few months to change my view on love and to feel it in a new way and He gave me those next five months to pour that same love out onto the community of JBay.
I could tell you countless stories of situations most would consider hopeless. I could tell you numerous situations where I remember my heart breaking. My heart literally hurt for the people of Jeffreys Bay. My heart still hurts for the people of Jeffreys Bay. But I promise you there is hope. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope! You see it at Ithemba in the kids who come daily that desire to learn more about God. You see it in the ladies that continue to take in more children than they have room or money for because they know what will happen to them if they don't. You see it in the women speaking out about their abusive boyfriends. You see it in the women choosing to spend time studying God's word. You see it all around if your eyes are open to it. I saw it in my children. I saw it in the bible study we did as they began to really ask questions and think about the things we talked about. I saw it in my students as they took leadership within Ithemba and cared for the younger kids. I saw it in a specific student that was eager to learn new things in order to better his chances of breaking the hold of poverty. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope! There are people in Jeffreys Bay that are changing the world. They are living out their calling of making disciples, caring for the orphans and looking after the widows. Their faith shown daily through their actions greatly challenged me and continues to do so. They have changed my life. I go to sleep often thinking about them and praying for them. I dream about my kids and the men and women they will become. I miss them and long to see them again because they are Christ. They are Christ to each other and they are Christ to the dying community around them. They are "the least of these" that seem to offer more and more of themselves and everything that they have. My life will never be the same because of the kids God gave me time to spend with. Alelutho, Shawn, Candi, Jeidre, Lompi, Caitlyn, Marayna, Laikin: These children all have a portion of my heart and these only name a few. Then there are the ladies that work at Ithemba: Lusanda, Queen, and Nomsa. I love these women far more than words can express. Especially Nomsa, as I got to spend hours with her daily. Nomsa is a dear friend that continues to capture my heart through every conversation. This woman is so in love with Jesus and so crazy that you can't help but love her. I wish each one of you could meet her, you would forever be changed.

These are the joys that came with second semester but I would be kidding myself if I said it was all good and easy after the first few months. There were many trials that came: from being mugged, experiencing the joy of being pepper sprayed, letting a best friend leave, to the hardest of all: the loss of a dear friend, Sarah Buller. When asked what had the most impact on me during my time in Africa, my answer is always Buller. She was one of my roommates first semester and we shared many sweet times together. Sarah is love. Sarah is joy. Sarah was an amazing friend and an amazing warrior for Christ. It would take me pages upon pages to try to describe her adequately. She had such a huge impact on our team, Jeffreys Bay, and Port Elizabeth. She knew her purpose and she was living it out daily. On April 5^th, Sarah Buller was killed in a car accident. April 5^th forever changed mine, and my teammates, lives. We lost far more than a teammate; we lost a dear friend and sister in Christ. We struggled to understand why this would happen. It was a long, difficult struggle but our answer was Christ. It was the only answer. It was all Sarah was living for, so her death ultimately led us closer to Him. It was harder than words will ever do justice. There were many tears, and continue to be even now. But the beauty of it all is that there is no power in death. Satan had no power in Sarah's death. Sarah is now exactly where she desired to be most: praising her Heavenly Father, the King of kings and Lord of lords. Christ has victory in all situations and we saw that clearly in Buller's death. I will never forget the difference she made on Jeffreys Bay for Him and I will never forget the difference she made in my life, pushing me closer and closer to Christ.

Difficulties will come. They will often seem like barriers that are too tall to climb. Don't shrink in fear of the trials, for that is where the most growth happens. That is where your faith becomes real. That is where the power of Christ is evident. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope. There is hope in death. There is hope for the life that seems to difficult to live. There is hope for the children who are going to bed without having eaten a meal tonight. There is hope for the American going to bed over indulged and living a life outside of God's will. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope.

God wrecked me this year. He wrecked my life for the ordinary. He ruined the picture I had in my head of what my life was supposed to look like. And to be honest, it was one of the hardest years of my life. But I would never change it. It's been a struggle being back home and trying to find my place here. There have been many days where I didn't want to face life in America. God is slowly, yet continually, showing me small glimpses of His plan for my life. I'm excited to say that this year in Africa was only the beginning of the plans He has for me. I don't know details of what is to come but I know that I serve a mighty God whose heart is for His hurting people. My heart is to be His hands and feet to those hurting people: to love them unconditionally like He has done for me. I'm seeking out where He would have me do that but as I wait on His voice and timing; I'm starting where He has me now. This is my life: it's a rollercoaster but our God is never-changing. He is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the God of hope. Because of Him there is hope, there is hope, there is hope! Never forget it.

God is moving here in Jeffreys. He always has been but this week I was able to see it even more clearly. We've had opportunity after opportunity to speak truth. From talking about ancestral worship during house visits to talking about forgiveness and grace at Ithemba, truth is being heard and challenging many.
God is stirring up things in our class at Ithemba, I can just feel it. We were able to speak boldly during our bible time and talk about the hard things that happen here in the culture. We talked about rape and murder on Monday and the kids openly said that it can't be forgiven. That opened doors to really just talk with them and share our passions. We shared our stories and examples where God has forgiven us when we didn't deserve it and we shared about examples where we had to forgive when they didn't deserve it. The kids were sitting there listening more than I think they have ever before. We were able to share parts of our lives with them which was really important and God totally used it. On Tuesday, many of our kids were in a fight on the street against other students from another school. It was disappointing and discouraging but it truly was another opportunity to speak on the issue of forgiveness. We talked about the fight and why and asked them what they thought about forgiveness. They all agreed that it was important and that in the situation they weren't being forgiving. I was praying for guidance because I had no idea where to go from there but Nomsa began speaking and the spirit was leading that conversation. We told them that we are at Ithemba because we love them and we want to share the hope that we have with them. We told them that we want to play and have fun with them, that we want to teach them, but our purpose is to speak truth and tell them about God. We then went on to explain accountability. I gave the example of giving them 10 rand and be held accountable means I need a cash slip for how they spent the 10 rand. They understood so I went on to explain that is what God does. We hear truth and we hear the Word and we are then held accountable. He gives us opportunity to live it out and holds us accountable to our reaction. We told them how much we love talking about the Bible and answering their questions but unless they began living it out, we don't need to keep talking about it. It's important to talk about it but unless there are actions that follow, the talking has no value. I think it struck the kids pretty hard. It was an intense two days but you can see that they were all listening and thinking about it and I'm excited to see how God uses those times and conversations.
Next week has potential to be another intense week with the kids. We are going to do the Beat the Drum program with our class starting on Monday. We have only talked about AIDS briefly with them and they had some good questions. We will start with the movie on Monday and then talk about values on Tuesday and split up the boys and girls on Wednesday and talk more deeply on issues and then Thursday talk about questions and commitments. It's going to be a great week and I think God is going to do big things with this program. I just ask that you'll be daily praying about the words spoken to them and the images they will see. Pray that their eyes will be opened to the seriousness of these issues and that most importantly their heart will be affected.
Thank you so much for your continual support, God is using you!